created to create – and worship, and pray, and sing, and dance, and love, and color outside the lines

“Be You” has been done to death…

It really has.  Good heavens.

But, here’s the thing – it’s always timely.

As I sit here writing, at 7:22 pm Texas time, on the night of the Oscar, I think, who am I?

I’m me.

I’m listening to ‘Closer’ by The Chainsmokers and Halsey, and feeling sentimental and nostalgic. I’m not watching the Oscars.  Or The Walking Dead.  What the heck is wrong with me?  This isn’t like me.  I’m a mess, and I’m completely together.  I am.  I’m sad, and happy.  I’m me – at 50.  I’m full of feelings, and intuition, and work ethic, and guilt, and shame.  I’m the whole package of authenticity. I’m starting to love myself more – even the messy parts. Truly.

I’m so imperfect. And beautiful in my imperfection.

Hello?  Can you hear me?  You are too.

Don’t wait until you’re in your 40s to to learn this.  I think back to the girl I was at 22 – as I watch my 22 year old son conquer his life with grace and wisdom – he is so much more than I ever was at that age.  I’m so proud of him.  He is someone I would like to know even if he wasn’t my child.  Kudos, Taylor!  God bless you.

Me?

At 21-22, I was unknowable – even to myself.  I was selfish and self-absorbed.  Reckless, rebellious, ruined, dangerous, trouble, and beautiful.  I hesitate as I write that last word – beautiful.  I was nothing but a complicated puzzle of inadequacy and fear of abandonment, beating things (and hearts) to death, looking pretty while I did it.  I was not anyone I would want to know.  I didn’t even want to be me.  I made huge mistakes.  I was reckless with my heart and with others’.  I apologize.  I have regret.  I have memories of joy.  All during the time I need to apologize for, during my recklessness.

It’s okay.  I learned, and I grew, and I’m finally healing from a lifetime of being me.  It’s a process. Going forward, I will not beat myself up – or anyone else.  I will not settle for less than.  I will feel love.  I will feel pain.  I want life to the grandest, fullest, most spectacular, and then some – sunrises and sunsets, embraces, smiles, and eyes full of love.  I want dirt roads and highways with the windows down, and the music cranked up, holding your hand.  I want skyscrapers at midnight and beaches as the sun comes up.  I want to swim with whales.  I want to see and experience everything I can.  I want to continue to learn.

I want to design and create to glorify God.  I love my new business.  I want to nurture and grow it with a delicate and precise hand.  I’m so grateful for all the people who have trusted me with branding their business, or creating their websites, or a piece of art.  Thank you!

I want to experience myself, and be okay with me.  So, those of you that struggle, or have struggled as I have, LOVE yourself!  If you are 19 or 75 – find love, find peace, find you!  Be okay with your imperfections and your crazy, and all the things that make you unique.  You are beautiful and imperfect.  You are a puzzle of tiny pieces with crazy scrolled edges, and when they are all put together they make a scene worth framing.

So watch the Oscars, watch the Dead, and then go to sleep loving yourself.  That’s what I’ve got for tonight.  That, and God is so good.  He loves you in your messiness and your beauty.

Peace.

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